Grief and other people
When people say the wrong thing
“Everything happens for a reason.” “At least they’re not suffering any more.” “You’re so strong.” “Time heals.” If you are grieving, you have probably heard some of these, and felt them land like a slap. You are not being oversensitive. They hurt.
Why they do it
Most people say these things because grief frightens them. They want to make your pain smaller, or fix it, or get away from it, and a cliché is the nearest thing to hand. Many were never shown what to say, so they repeat what they once heard someone else say.
Knowing why doesn’t oblige you to be gracious. You are allowed to be hurt, angry, or simply tired of it. But it can help to remember that the clumsiness is usually about them, not about you or your loss.
The psychologist Susan Silk and the mediator Barry Goldman described an idea they called ring theory. Picture the people closest to a loss in the middle circle, with friends, colleagues and acquaintances in wider rings around them. Comfort flows in, towards the centre. Worries and complaints flow out. You are in the middle. You are allowed to receive.
One ready sentence
Many people find it helps to have one sentence ready that tells others what you need. It saves you explaining on a bad day, and it gives kind people something to do. Here are some that others have used:
- “You don’t have to say anything clever. Just ask me about her.”
- “I don’t want advice, I want company.”
- “Please keep saying his name.”
- “A text that needs no reply means a lot right now.”
You can send it to a group at once: family, your team at work, a circle of friends. People are often relieved to be told. Most of them were frightened of getting it wrong, and the ones who love you usually do better once they know.
What to say back
In the moment, you don’t owe anyone a debate. A short reply is enough, and it is fine to change the subject or walk away.
- To “Everything happens for a reason”: “I don’t see it that way. I just miss him.”
- To “At least…”: “There’s no at least for me right now.”
- To “You’re so strong”: “I don’t feel strong. I’m just getting through the day.”
- To “Let me know if you need anything”: “Could you bring dinner on Thursday?”
If something really hurt, you can say so later, when you have the energy. “When you said that, it hurt. What helps most is if you say you’re sorry, and don’t look for a bright side.” Many people apologise once they know.
The people who stay
Some people say nothing at all, or seem to disappear. That silence can hurt more than any cliché. Often it is fear, not indifference. If you want someone back, a small message can open the door: “I know it’s hard to know what to say. I’d still love to see you.”
And then there are the people who stay. The friend who texts on the hard dates. The neighbour who leaves soup on the step without knocking. The colleague who says your person’s name without flinching. Notice them. They are often not the ones you expected.
You are allowed to step back, for now, from people who drain you, and to spend what little energy you have on the ones who make it lighter. That is not unkind. It is looking after yourself.
If you feel very alone, a helpline can listen. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans answer on 116 123. In the US and Canada, call or text 988. Anywhere else, call your local emergency number. You can also find a free helpline at findahelpline.com.
Write your sentence down
Firlight is a private grief companion for Android. Its lesson on this, part of Firlight Plus, has a small space to write the one or two sentences you could send to the people around you, about what helps and what doesn’t. It stays on your phone (or in your own Google Drive, if you turn on backup) until you choose to share it. See Firlight on Google Play.
This page adapts a lesson from Firlight’s Grief Path. Firlight is not therapy, and it is not an emergency service.