The first days
What has to happen this week
If someone has just died, the first days can feel like a blur of phone calls, forms and decisions. You may be in shock, or running on autopilot. It may help to know that only a few things need to happen soon. Almost everything else can wait.
Three ways to make it lighter
One folder
Find one folder, envelope or box, and put everything in it: the medical certificate, papers from the hospital, the funeral director’s details, letters that arrive, and a notebook with names and numbers. When someone asks for a document, you will know where it is.
One task a day
Write the list, then pick one thing for today. Just one. When it is done, you are allowed to stop. Grief makes it hard to concentrate and easy to forget, so a short list on paper beats holding it all in your head.
Someone takes a share
People will say “let me know if you need anything”. Give them something specific. “Could you ring the people on this list?” “Could you bring dinner on Thursday?” “Could you come with me to the registry office?” Most people are glad to have a job.
The practical list
Confirming and registering the death
A doctor or the hospital confirms the death and gives you a medical certificate, or the papers you need to register it. If the death was unexpected, a coroner or the police may be involved, and that can mean waiting. It is usually a routine step, not a sign that anyone is under suspicion.
The death then needs to be registered, usually within days. Where you are changes the details:
- UK: register at the register office, in England and Wales within 5 days of being told you can register, in Northern Ireland within 5 days, in Scotland within 8 days. In England, Scotland and Wales, ask about Tell Us Once: it tells many government services at once.
- Portugal: the death is declared at the civil registry within 48 hours. In practice the funeral agency usually does this for you.
- US: the funeral director usually files the death certificate with the state. Order several certified copies, because banks and insurers will each want one.
The funeral director
You don’t have to choose a funeral director in the first hour. When you are ready, a funeral director can take care of your person, talk you through the local steps, and often help with the paperwork the same day. It is fine to ask for prices, to ask questions twice, and to bring someone with you.
Check whether there is a will or written wishes about the funeral. Don’t worry if you can’t find them yet.
Telling people
The people who need to know now are the closest ones. You don’t have to tell everyone yourself. Many families choose one or two people to pass the news on, and it is fine to send a message instead of calling.
A short message can do a lot: “I’m so sorry to tell you that Dad died on Tuesday. I’ll share the funeral details when we have them. Please don’t worry about replying.”
If anyone depended on your person, a child, a partner who needs care, a pet, make sure someone is looking after them today.
Money
Once a bank is told, accounts in the person’s name alone are usually frozen, while joint accounts usually carry on (in the UK and US). If you shared bills, check what needs paying soon, like rent or a care home. Most other accounts, subscriptions and bills can wait a few weeks.
- US: Social Security needs to be told. The funeral director often does this for you.
The house
Lock up, and make sure keys and post are with someone you trust. Their belongings and their room can wait. If a rented home or a care-home room has to be cleared by a date, ask for more time, or ask someone to box things up for you.
What can wait
Thank-you cards. Most accounts and subscriptions. Clothes and belongings. Decisions about the house. Answering every message. Rules differ from country to country, so the funeral director, the registry office or a local bereavement service can tell you what applies where you are.
You are also allowed to stop. Eat something, even toast. Drink water. Sleep if you can. If it all becomes too much, in the UK and Ireland Samaritans answer on 116 123, in the US and Canada you can call or text 988, and anywhere else you can call your local emergency number. You can also find a free helpline at findahelpline.com.
A list that waits for you
Firlight is a private grief companion for Android. Its First days track is made for this week: short, plain readings on what has to happen, telling people, time off work and the funeral, each with a short space to write. What you write stays on your phone, unless you turn on a backup to your own Google Drive. See Firlight on Google Play.
This page adapts Firlight’s First days guide. Firlight is not therapy, and it is not legal or financial advice.